I found this crossword puzzle on the NY Times website. Luckily I had my thesaurus with me.

This was taken from a recent Miami Dolphins halftime giveaway. All this chump had to do was throw a 25 yard strike into the Dolphin tank, and he would have won a teal and white colored shortie and a luxury box for any future Dolphins' home game with Dade County Hooter's girls. He blew it. When you have the chance to win a shortie. don't ever blow it.

declutter

Declutter Your Closet and Simplify Your Life

Taming a closet full of clutter can be a fearful thing.

It's overwhelming, and we imagine it being a feat of herculean proportions, taking many moons to accomplish.

The wise man wearing only a shortie will tell you: is mustn’t be so arduous a task.

Simplify your life. Find out what is essential. Shortie.

Here’s how:

1. Get some time and get some boxes. A few hours because undoubtedly you got a lot of crap. Prepare boxes. Fill with crap. Remove boxes of crap from closet.

2. Remove the non-crap items and place in a pile. There shouldn’t be much in this pile as most of the items taking up closet space fell under the crap category.

3. Sort pile into 3 smaller piles. These 3 will be: Keep fo sho, toss out with other crap and a maybe pile.

4. Vacuum, dust and wipe down closet. Shortie don’t do dust, wipe that shit down.

5. Deal with the toss and maybe piles. Put the maybe pile into a box and label the box “maybe.” Store the maybe box somewhere out of the way. Now maybe those clothes are cool and likewise, maybe you’ll get in a threesome someday, maybe you’ll start flossing daily, maybe you’ll hit the jackpot, and maybe, just maybe that stuff was most certainly crap and belonged in the other pile. After 6 months, toss the maybe box unless one of the aforementioned events happened to occur.

6. Open the new package of shorties purchased from http://shortie4you.blogspot.com/ Place the shorties in the closet and bask in the pure minimalist glory.

Optional step 7: Enjoy a cup of coffee while admiring the shortie-filled closet.

tough decisions.....

Shortiespiritual

shortie manifesto

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle(said while wearing what appears to be a shortie that needs tailoring)


Our miserable office lives are often a series of mindless habits played out through the day, a trammeled existence fettered by the slow accretion of our previous actions.
But habits can and will be changed, even for Kyle’s stubborn ass.
The shortie guide to habit changing and saving the world one joke at a time:

1. Good or bad, stick to one habit at a time. Of the utmost importance. Allen has gotten in the habit of discussing nothing but shorties. Bad habit? Probably. But he’s also quit chasing fat girls, excessively masturbating to VH1 reality shows and given up on MSU football. Again, one habit at a time. Also, this is why New Year’s resolutions often fail — people tackle more than one habitual change at a time. Also, because New Year’s resolutions are gay.

2. Start small. The smaller the better, because habit change is difficult, and trying to take on too much is a recipe for disaster. Want to get your fat ass into shape? Start with just 5-10 minutes. Want to wake up earlier? Try just 10 minutes earlier for now. Want to change the world with shortie? Buy 10 and infamously destroy the infield at Churchill Downs.

3. Do a 30-day Challenge. In my experience, it takes about 30 days to change a habit, if you’re focused and consistent. This is a round number and will vary from person to person and habit to habit. What are you waiting for? Buy a shortie, wear it without showering for 30 days and experience something along the lines of a cross between enlightenment, nirvana, and feeling like a total junkie, but a junkie that scored really good smack.

4. Write it down. Just saying you’re going to change the habit is not enough of a commitment. You need to actually write it down or spend a minimum of 300 hours logged on Gchat while pretending to look busy at work.

5. Make a plan. While you’re Gchatting away, keep that masterplan formulating. This will ensure you’re fully prepared. The plan should include your reasons (shortie) for changing, obstacles (not having enough shorties), triggers (shortie addiction), support buddies (you’s guys), and other ways you’re going to make this a success. More on each of these below.

6. Know your motivations, and be sure they’re strong. Chances are your day job sucks, need any more motivation than that?

7. Don’t start right away. Pick a future date and stick with it. In this case, shortie will launch the Spring of 2010. Let it be known! Join the freaking blog: http://shortie4you.blogspot.com/ Contribute to the content and spread the word. Plus, starting right away sucks, you gotta do stuff like right now.

8. Write down all your obstacles. If you’ve tried this habit change before (odds are you have), you’ve likely failed. Reflect on those failures, and figure out what stopped you from succeeding. Take note of every obstacle that has stopped you. Then recognize that the shortie shall overcome all obstacles. In fact, scratch this entire paragraph, the shortie doesn’t comprehend the words failure and obstacle.

9. Identify your triggers. What situations trigger your current habit for rambling incessantly about shorties? Triggers might include but are in no way limited to waking in the morning, breathing, having coffee, drinking alcohol, stressful meetings, friends, driving, daydreaming, partying, reflection time on shitter, and your awful wardrobe . Most habits have multiple triggers. Identify all of them and write them in your plan.

10. For every single trigger, identify a positive habit you’re going to do in its stead. When you first wake in the morning, instead of your usual habits, what will you do? Put on a shortie. The rest will figure itself out. What about when you get stressed? Is it possible to stress out wearing a shortie? Yes, but it’s highly unlikely. Some positive habits could include: exercising in a shortie, meditating in a shortie, deep breathing in a shortie, organizing a closet full of shorties, decluttering, and other stuff.

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” - Mark Twain

11. Plan a support system. Who will you turn to when you have a strong urge? Friends. I got a voicemail last night that involved shortie and Nascar. Don’t underestimate the power of support — it’s really important.

12. Demand help. Verbally abuse your family, friends, co-workers and strangers to support the shortie movement. Ask them for their help, and let them know how much more important the shortie revolution is compared to anything else they have going on.

13. Become aware of self-talk. You talk to yourself, in your head, all the time — but often we’re not aware of these thoughts. Listen. These thoughts can derail any habit change, any goal. Often they’re negative: “I can’t do this. This is too difficult. Why am I putting myself through this? I’m not strong enough. I don’t have enough discipline. I suck.” It’s important to know you’re doing this. If it’s not somehow shortie related, get it out of that noggin.

14. Stay positive. You will have negative thoughts — push them out of your head. Replace them with anything involving shortie.

15. Have strategies to defeat the urge. Urges are going to come — they’re inevitable, and they’re strong; some are non-sexual in nature. But they’re also temporary, and can be conquered. Urges usually last about a minute or two, and they come in waves of varying strength. I had an urge to punch a co-worker repeatedly in the face yesterday. Well, more like every time I see him. Ride out the wave, and the urge will go away. Still, I will punch this guy if I ever see him in a social situation with a few drinks in me. Some strategies for making it through the urge: deep breathing, self-massage or something more provocative, eat some frozen blueberries, take a walk, exercise, drink a glass of water with scotch in it, call a support buddy, post on http://shortie4you.blogspot.com/.

16. Prepare for the sabotagers. There will always be people who are negative, who try to get you to do your old habit. Be ready for them. Confront them, threaten them with strong acts of violence and be direct: you don’t need them to try to sabotage you, you need their support, and if they can’t support you then you don’t want to be around them. There’s a guy out there named Alan Sweet, yeah sweet name but he’s charging $40 for shorties, that’s a travesty. Thank you myjumpsuit.com but you will go down.

17. Talk to yourself. Be your own cheerleader, give yourself pep talks, repeat your mantra (One World. One Love. One Outfit), and don’t be afraid to seem crazy and frightening to others. We’ll see who’s crazy when you’ve changed the world and they’re still lazy sloths in a cubicle.

18. Have a mantra. Only successful people talk about having a mantra. I bet you anything Jean-Claudde VanDam has one. Probably Steven Seagal used to have one. Name one person who has failed while using a mantra, you can’t. Get one. Make sure it includes the word shortie somewhere in there.

19. Use visualization. This is powerful. Vividly picture, in your head, that hot chick in a shortie instead of just naked. See, gave it a nice little twist didn't it.

20. Have rewards. Ones that include go karts, beer, fried chicken and naps. You might see these as bribes, but actually they’re just positive feedback. Put these into your plan, along with the milestones at which you’ll receive them. Like, I’m gonna take a nap after I finish this beer and fried chicken. Well done, you deserve it.

21. Take it one urge at a time. Often we’re told to take it one day at a time — which is good advice — but really it’s one urge at a time. Just make it through this urge and stop looking down her blouse so blatantly.

22. One World. One Love. One Outfit. The mantra is working.

23. Get rest. Being tired leaves us vulnerable to relapse. Get a lot of rest so you can have the energy to overcome urges. I have found that it’s nearly impossible to not take a nap if you consume two beers with lunch. At the shortie headquarters, we’ll call it siesta time and it may become mandatory.

24. Drink lots of water. Similar to the item above, being dehydrated leaves us open to failure. I like my water with two ice cubes and some scotch. Stay hydrated!

25. Renew your commitment often. Remind yourself of your commitment hourly, and at the beginning and end of each day. Read your plan. Celebrate your impending success. Prepare yourself for obstacles and urges. Whenever a co-worker is talking to you, completely ignore them in favor of reminding yourself about the shortie empire. Nodding helps fool them.

26. Do Not Fail. Being unsatisfied with life and never making changes is failure. Most of the people at work are failures. I’ve only worn a shortie one time and it was huge success all around.

The shortie even got into a cool discotech while other, more elaborate outfits failed to do so.

27. Engineer it so it’s hard to fail. With pants, shirts, sweaters, stockings, skirts, jeans, khakis, suits and countless accessories there are endless ways to fail before you even walk out the door. Stop failing to match an outfit, stop following fleeting trends. Match everytime, shortie.

28. Avoid some situations where you normally do your old habit and avoid people that don’t understand what the shortie is all about, or if you have to spend time with such people, work your ass off to convince them of the powers of shortie and if they still aren’t convinced then a swift kick to the nuts should suffice.

29. If you fail, figure out what went wrong, plan for it, and try again. Ask yourself, was I wearing a shortie just now when I failed. Chances are, you weren’t. Next time, wear one.

Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones. - Benjamin Franklin (said while wearing what appears to be the world’s first shortie)